Sometimes when I’m traveling, I find myself being a companion to my own thoughts. It comes about in a somewhat sneaky fashion. I’ll find myself driving along realizing that I don’t have the radio on, my phone isn’t ringing or buzzing, and there are no husband or kids in the car.
Sometimes these thoughts are peaceful ones and sometimes they are thoughts about all the things that I haven’t done, that I need to do, things that I have done, and things that I would like to do but am unable to. The thoughts are sometimes productive and other times they leave me chasing my tail wondering when and how I’m going to get all of this stuff done.
Take for instance, today’s moment of thought: I am on my way to a doctor’s appointment and I have that brief moment when I realize that the radio is not playing and all I’m hearing is the sound of the tires on the lumpy pavement. I start thinking about how my parents were here this weekend for the pancake breakfast that the Boy Scouts had, I think about how I need to call my neighbor and find out if I could use her post hole digger to make the fence bigger for my goats. I think about how my husband and I had a wonderful little interlude in the middle of the night and how he seemed to be indifferent to me this morning. I think about how the boys have a Book Fair at the school this week and realize that they each have their own money to take with them but I will probably spend some of mine on gifts for them and for others. Though some of these thoughts may mean something and some of them may not mean anything, they seem like free roaming thoughts in my head, in one neuron and out the next, like cattle going through a gate. Sometimes there’s that one special cow that means more than the others do but I don’t necessarily have time to deal with her today so she will pass by like all the others and I will get to her another time. This is not always a productive way to think. It is not definite, it is surely not set in stone, and there is no guarantee that in my ADHD state of mind, that I will ever get to it. I have the best of intentions but I am not always able to follow-up with them.
This somewhat defunct way of thinking doesn’t always work well for other people, in relation to me. I come across as being forgetful, a day-dreamer, and overzealous. I am often accused of not thinking things through, of not making good plans, or that I don’t know what I’m doing. Unfortunately, that is part of the ADHD way of thinking. As the process goes, I get a great idea that I want to try, I get excited for this new idea, yet people around me tend not to want to help me through it because they know that I have other projects that I have yet to finish. I need the people who know me, to be to be able to say to me, “Sara, you need to go back a couple of steps”, or “you missed something.” My husband is slowly being able to do this. He’ll say to me, “let’s finish this other project before you start another one. Sometimes this is met with frustration on my part because I really want to try this one thing. Other times I am able to see the reality in what he is saying and can agree. The catch-22 in all of this is that, as I’m trying to get stuff done that needs doing, I feel that I will never to get to the stuff that I want to do.